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Judith Martin (née Perlman; born September 13, 1938[1]), better known by the pen name Miss Manners, is an American columnist, author, and etiquette authority.

Key Information

Early life and career

[edit]

Martin is the daughter of Helen and Jacob Perlman, both Jewish. Her father was born in 1898 in Białystok, then part of the Russian Empire, now in Poland. He immigrated to the United States in 1912. In 1925, he received his doctorate from the University of Wisconsin, in economics. Jacob married Helen Aronson in 1935, and they moved to Washington, D.C., where Martin was born in 1938.[2]

Martin spent a significant part of her childhood in Washington, where she still lives and works, graduating from Jackson-Reed High School Class of 1955. She lived in various foreign capitals as a child, as her father, a United Nations[3] economist, was frequently transferred. Martin graduated from Wellesley College[1] with a degree in English. Before she began the advice column, she was a journalist, covering social events at the White House and embassies; she then became a theater and film critic.

“Miss Manners”

[edit]

In 1978, Martin began writing an advice column, which was distributed three and later six times a week by Universal Uclick and carried in more than 200 newspapers worldwide. In the column, she answers etiquette questions contributed by her readers and writes short essays on problems of manners, or clarifies the essential qualities of politeness.

Martin writes about the ideas and intentions underpinning seemingly simple rules, providing a complex and advanced perspective, which she refers to as “heavy etiquette theory”. Her columns have been collected in a number of books. In her writings, Martin refers to herself in the third person (e.g., “Miss Manners hopes . . .”).

In a 1995 interview by Virginia Shea, Martin said:

You can deny all you want that there is etiquette, and a lot of people do in everyday life. But if you behave in a way that offends the people you’re trying to deal with, they will stop dealing with you... There are plenty of people who say, “We don't care about etiquette, but we can't stand the way so-and-so behaves, and we don't want him around!” Etiquette doesn't have the great sanctions that the law has. But the main sanction we do have is in not dealing with these people and isolating them…[4]

Martin identifies "blatant greed" as the most serious etiquette problem in the United States.[5] The most frequently asked question she receives is how to politely demand cash from potential gift-givers (which she answers by stating that there is no polite way to do this), and the second most common question is how much potential guests must spend on a gift (determined by what the giver can afford, not by the event, relationship, related expenses or other factors).[6]

On August 29, 2013, Martin's children, Nicholas and Jacobina, began sharing credit for her columns.[7]

Other

[edit]

Martin was the recipient of a 2005 National Humanities Medal from President George W. Bush. On March 23, 2006, she was a special guest correspondent on The Colbert Report, giving her analysis of the manners with which the White House Press Corps spoke to the President.[8]

Some of Martin's writings were collected and set to music by Dominick Argento in his song cycle Miss Manners on Music.[9]

Judith Martin was a contributor for wowOwow, a Web site for women to talk culture, politics, and gossip.[10]

Martin's uncle was economist and labor historian Selig Perlman.

Martin was portrayed by Broadway theatre actress Jessie Mueller[11] in The Post, Steven Spielberg's 2017 movie about the Pentagon Papers.

Books

[edit]

Etiquette

[edit]
  • Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior (1982)
  • Miss Manners' Guide to Rearing Perfect Children (1984)[12]
  • Common Courtesy: In Which Miss Manners Solves the Problem That Baffled Mr. Jefferson (1985)
  • Miss Manners' Guide for the Turn-of-the-Millennium (1989)
  • Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings (1995)
  • Miss Manners Rescues Civilization: From Sexual Harassment, Frivolous Lawsuits, Dissing and Other Lapses in Civility (1996)
  • Miss Manners' Basic Training: Communication (1996)
  • Miss Manners' Basic Training: Eating (1997)
  • Miss Manners' Basic Training: The Right Thing To Say (1998)
  • Miss Manners on Weddings (1999)
  • Miss Manners' Guide to Domestic Tranquility: The Authoritative Manual for Every Civilized Household, However Harried (1999)
  • Miss Manners: A Citizen's Guide to Civility (1999)
  • Star-Spangled Manners: In Which Miss Manners Defends American Etiquette (2002)
  • Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding with Jacobina Martin (2010)
  • Miss Manners Minds Your Business with Nicholas Ivor Martin (2013)
  • Miss Manners' Guide to Contagious Etiquette with Nicholas Martin and Jacobina Martin (2020)
  • Minding Miss Manners: In an Era of Fake Etiquette (2020)

Other subjects

[edit]
  • The Name on the White House Floor (1972)
  • Gilbert: A Comedy of Manners (fiction; 1982)
  • Style and Substance: A Comedy of Errors (fiction; 1982)
  • No Vulgar Hotel: The Desire and Pursuit of Venice (2007)

See also

[edit]

References

[edit]
[edit]
Revisions and contributorsEdit on WikipediaRead on Wikipedia

Judith Martin

View on Grokipedia
from Grokipedia

Judith Martin (née Perlman; born September 13, 1938) is an American journalist, author, and etiquette authority best known by the pen name Miss Manners. A graduate of , she spent 25 years at as a reporter and critic, initially covering diplomatic and social events, before launching her syndicated in 1978. Martin's column, distributed to over 200 newspapers, dispenses guidance on interpersonal conduct, arguing that adherence to established rules fosters mutual respect and reduces everyday frictions in society. She has authored more than a dozen books on manners, including practical guides and historical examinations of etiquette's role in American , as well as two novels. Her writings critique modern lapses in , such as unchecked greed and informality, positioning as a rational framework for civilized coexistence rather than mere convention. For her efforts to elevate public understanding of humanities through etiquette, Martin received the from the in 2005, and in 2015 she was awarded the Ernie Pyle Lifetime Achievement Award by the National Society of Newspaper Columnists. While some view her prescriptions as rigid amid shifting social norms, her influence persists in promoting deliberate, considerate behavior over impulsive self-expression.

Early Life

Family Background and Upbringing

Judith Martin was born Judith Sylvia Perlman on September 13, 1938, in , to Jacob Perlman, an economist born in 1898 in Białystok (then part of the ), and Helen Perlman (née unknown), who was born in 1902 in and worked as a teacher after attending Maxwell Training School for Teachers. Both parents were Jewish immigrants or descendants from Eastern European backgrounds, instilling in the household values rooted in cultural traditions amid the challenges of relocation. The family included an older brother, Matthew Saul Perlman. Her father's career as a government economist, followed by roles with the United Nations, required frequent international transfers, leading the family to live in various foreign capitals during her early years, though they maintained strong ties to Washington, D.C., where she was primarily reared. This peripatetic lifestyle exposed her to diverse diplomatic and professional circles, fostering familiarity with formal social protocols in elite settings. In one recalled family anecdote, her father, amid discussions of household items, questioned the young Judith on the utility of multiple forks, highlighting early household emphasis on practical distinctions in table manners and decorum. The Perlman home in Washington's AU Park neighborhood reflected a middle-class intellectual environment, with her mother's teaching background and the parents' Eastern European heritage contributing to routines centered on discipline, education, and civility in interpersonal relations. These formative experiences, set against the backdrop of post-Depression Washington and international postings, underscored the role of structured norms in navigating social hierarchies and ideological tensions without direct involvement in partisan politics.

Education

Judith Martin received her early education in , where her family resided after moving there in the 1930s, and spent portions of her childhood in foreign capitals due to her father's work as a government economist. Her mother, Helen Perlman, taught at , a progressive private institution in the city, which likely shaped her exposure to structured social environments during formative years. Martin subsequently enrolled at Wellesley College, a women's liberal arts institution emphasizing rigorous intellectual training and personal poise. She graduated in 1959 with a degree in English, focusing on literary analysis and classical influences that honed her capacity for precise observation of . The college's curriculum, rooted in traditional humanities, provided a foundation in structured reasoning about societal norms, distinct from the more subjective approaches that emerged in later educational shifts. Following graduation, Martin's family connections in government circles offered incidental exposure to diplomatic protocols, though she pursued rather than formal diplomatic roles, applying her academic grounding to real-world social scrutiny. This brief proximity to international variances in underscored empirical differences in cultural practices, informing her later emphasis on as a practical, context-bound system rather than abstract .

Early Career

Entry into Journalism

Judith Martin commenced her professional journalism career at The Washington Post in 1958, initially serving as a copy girl responsible for shuttling copy and messages within the newsroom. She quickly advanced to reporter in the women's section, titled "For and About Women," where she covered lifestyle and cultural topics, building foundational skills in detailed observation of public conduct during the late Eisenhower administration. By 1960, following her graduation from the prior year, Martin was promoted to feature writer, focusing on arts, theater, and emerging social trends amid the Kennedy-era shifts in American culture and the onset of broader upheavals like civil rights protests and countercultural movements. Her reporting emphasized precise descriptions of behaviors and events, prioritizing empirical details over interpretive , which sharpened her capacity for dissecting societal interactions without endorsing relativist dismissals of established norms. In the mid-1960s, Martin's portfolio expanded to include theater and , where she applied a structured analytical lens—evaluating coherence, performative discipline, and audience —to reviews that highlighted lapses in cultural execution, presaging her enduring emphasis on behavioral accountability. These pieces, published through the , showcased her incisive wit in critiquing artistic outputs while maintaining an objective stance rooted in observable standards rather than subjective .

Social and Cultural Reporting

In the 1960s and 1970s, Judith Martin reported on Washington for 's women's pages, the precursor to the modern Style section, focusing on elite social events such as weddings, diplomatic receptions, and official entertainments. Her dispatches cataloged the structured rituals and protocols that governed interactions at these functions, revealing how formalized enabled coexistence among participants from diverse diplomatic, political, and social strata by imposing predictable behavioral norms. A prominent example of her approach occurred in 1971, when Martin published a satirical piece lampooning the contrived grandeur and pretensions of social affairs under the Nixon administration. This critique prompted the to blacklist her—the only journalist so excluded—from covering Tricia Nixon's wedding to Edward Cox on June 12, 1971, in the . The incident exemplified the friction between Martin's commitment to candid journalistic observation of decorum's excesses and the administration's insistence on controlled narratives for official events. Martin's features during this period also addressed the encroaching informality of countercultural movements, contrasting it with established societal conventions; she argued that such shifts toward casualness undermined individual responsibility by eroding the mutual restraints that enforced in public life. This perspective, drawn from her on-the-ground reporting of social upheavals including the feminist and youth-driven challenges to norms, anticipated her later advocacy for as a bulwark against disorder.

Development of Miss Manners

Origins of the Column

Judith Martin introduced the Miss Manners column in in 1978, adopting the to establish an authoritative voice on amid perceptions of declining in American society. The column emerged following Martin's earlier contributions to the paper's style and women's pages, where she had built a readership by addressing with and precision. This launch coincided with broader cultural reflections on post-1960s shifts, which Martin later attributed to a legacy viewing manners as artificial constraints rather than tools for social harmony. The pseudonym "Miss Manners" was chosen to evoke a timeless, archetypal figure of propriety, allowing Martin to respond to reader-submitted dilemmas without personal attribution initially, focusing instead on universal principles of respect and reciprocity. Early columns emphasized as a logical system to mitigate everyday —such as line-cutting or self-centered interactions—positing these not as harmless expressions of individuality but as disruptions to cooperative norms essential for . By drawing on empirical examples from correspondents, Martin diagnosed such behaviors as rooted in rather than liberation, countering relativist views that dismissed fixed rules as outdated impositions. This foundational approach positioned the column as a defense of etiquette's neutrality, promoting mutual deference over subjective freedoms that erode public order, and quickly garnered syndication potential through its blend of humor and unyielding logic.

Evolution and Syndication

The "Miss Manners" column, initially launched in in 1978, expanded into national syndication through in the early 1980s, with appearances in major outlets such as the , , and by 1984. This growth reflected the column's appeal amid perceived declines in social civility, leading to its distribution as a thrice-weekly feature that gradually increased in frequency. By the 2020s, the column is distributed six times weekly by (successor to United Features) to more than 200 newspapers and digital platforms across the and internationally, maintaining a broad readership that underscores sustained public interest in structured guidance. Adaptations have included chronological responses to technological shifts, such as columns on composition norms in the late 1990s and early , and later analyses of disruptions like unsolicited sharing and online confrontations in the . To ensure continuity, Judith Martin has collaborated with her sons, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin (a for her second son), on responses since the mid-2010s, with credits appearing in columns by 2016 while upholding the column's foundational approach to practical behavioral corrections. This family involvement has facilitated handling increased query volumes without altering the core emphasis on verifiable social protocols.

Etiquette Philosophy

Core Tenets of Traditional Etiquette

Judith Martin conceives traditional as a voluntary that subordinates individual self-expression to the comfort and sensibilities of others, establishing rituals to preempt social discord and promote reciprocal harmony. This framework, she maintains, functions analogously to diplomatic protocols, softening antagonisms and averting escalations by providing neutral, predictable behaviors that mitigate the frictions inherent in human interactions. Martin argues that such enhances human dignity through orderly conduct, empirically observable in its capacity to regulate behavior where legal enforcement falls short, thereby reducing conflicts that arise from unchecked personal impulses. Central to Martin's tenets is the preservation of role-aware norms within an ostensibly gender-neutral system, such as in greetings or chivalric gestures like offering seats, which she defends as pragmatic acknowledgments of physical and conventional differences rather than arbitrary impositions. These elements, rooted in historical precedence systems, counteract egalitarian pressures that erode functional distinctions, ignoring biological realities like variations in strength and social expectations. She posits that abandoning these norms disrupts the balance of consideration, leading to reciprocal discourtesies that undermine mutual respect. Martin rejects appeals to "authenticity" as pretexts for rudeness, asserting that etiquette's deliberate performance of consideration—initially contrived—instills habits of genuine and trust, far preferable to retaliatory that amplifies offenses. This principle echoes successes in , where adherence to ceremonial forms has historically enabled negotiations amid , demonstrating etiquette's causal in building cooperative outcomes over raw . By prioritizing feigned graciousness, etiquette transforms potential adversaries into collaborators, a dynamic Martin traces to its eternal underpinnings in respect rather than transient emotions.

Critiques of Modern Social Norms

Judith Martin has attributed the surge in social since the 1970s to the rise of therapeutic culture, which prioritized unfiltered self-expression and inflated over mutual consideration, leading to increased entitlement and interpersonal conflicts. In her 1996 book Miss Manners Rescues Civilization, she links this shift to the countercultural rejection of traditional restraints, arguing that the emphasis on "authenticity" fostered a belief that personal impulses supersede social obligations, resulting in observable outcomes like heightened litigation over perceived slights and more frequent public confrontations. Martin specifically critiques how feminism's focus on assertive individualism, while advancing equality, inadvertently normalized discourteous behavior when framed as , such as refusing courteous gestures like door-holding under the guise of rejecting . Countering progressive arguments that portray etiquette as a tool of patriarchal control, Martin contends that relaxed norms disproportionately disadvantage the vulnerable by empowering aggressors who dominate interactions without restraint. She points to rising complaints in —where customers increasingly demand accommodations through rather than —as that diminished exacerbates social inequalities, allowing the bold to prevail over the civil. This view aligns with her observation that functional social groups maintain a baseline of traditional protocols to ensure equitable participation, whereas groups abandoning them devolve into chaos favoring the assertive. Martin advocates restoring a modest adherence to conventional for societal stability, warning that media-promoted ideals of raw "authenticity" serve as a for , inverting hospitality norms where guests now critique hosts openly rather than reciprocate . She contrasts orderly, mannered environments—often with a traditional structure—with dysfunctional ones where unchecked self-prioritization leads to isolation and resentment, urging a return to rituals that curb such excesses without suppressing individuality.

Major Works

Etiquette Guides and Columns

Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, first published in 1982, serves as Martin's foundational manual, compiling practical rules for everyday interactions including dining protocols, written correspondence, and formal events, structured around priority hierarchies to resolve conflicts without exception-based justifications. Updated editions, such as the 2005 freshly revised version, incorporate responses to evolving reader queries while maintaining core rule sets against contemporary deviations. Martin has also released anthologies of her syndicated columns addressing specific domains, such as Miss Manners Minds Your Business in 2013, which draws from submitted workplace dilemmas to prescribe verifiable applications like professional greetings and conflict de-escalation, rejecting accommodations for self-indulgent behaviors. These collections prioritize reproducible solutions over trend-driven reinterpretations, with the 2013 volume co-authored by her son Nicholas Ivor Martin to extend column-derived advice into business contexts. The Miss Manners' Basic Training series, issued from 1996 to 1998, comprises concise volumes targeting foundational skills— (1996), (1997), and Raising (1997)—aimed at children and adolescents to embed habitual compliance with norms, thereby averting entitlement patterns in adulthood through early, non-negotiable practice. Each book distills column insights into step-by-step drills for scenarios like and polite discourse, emphasizing prevention via routine over remedial correction.

Fiction and Non-Etiquette Publications

Judith Martin's earliest non-etiquette publication, The Name on the White House Floor, and Other Anxieties of Our Times (1972), draws from her experiences as a covering high-society events in , including dinners and elite gatherings, to examine social protocols and cultural tensions of the era. Published by Coward, McCann & Geoghegan, the book compiles observations from her reporting on political and diplomatic circles, highlighting the intricacies of formal interactions among the powerful. In fiction, Martin produced two novels framed as comedies of manners. Gilbert: A Comedy of Manners (1982), issued by Atheneum, follows the titular character's navigation of social hierarchies and ambitions in a satirical depiction of aspirational society. The 303-page work employs narrative irony to portray interpersonal dynamics and status pursuits. Similarly, Style and Substance: A Comedy of Manners (1986), also from Atheneum, extends this approach in a 274-page story centered on Washington insiders, using plot developments to underscore contrasts between outward appearances and underlying motivations in elite environments. Martin's later non-fiction includes the travelogue No Vulgar Hotel: The Desire and Pursuit of Venice (2007), published by , which chronicles her repeated visits to the city over decades, interweaving personal reflections on its , , and visitor with critiques of mass tourism's impact on cultural preservation. The 330-page volume, edited with contributions from Eric Denker, details specific Venetian locales and rituals while observing behavioral patterns among travelers.

Reception and Influence

Achievements and Recognition

In 2005, Judith Martin was awarded the by President for her work as "Miss Manners," recognizing her efforts to deepen public understanding of through syndicated columns and books that address as a framework for respectful discourse. This honor, the highest in the , highlighted her column's role in offering practical guidance on social interactions, from everyday politeness to navigating complex interpersonal conflicts. In 2014, Martin received the Lifetime Achievement Award from the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, honoring the Miss Manners column's nearly four decades of influence in shaping American standards and promoting restraint in public behavior. Her guides, including Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior (first published in 1982 and revised multiple times), have attained status, providing detailed protocols that emphasize traditional manners as essential to social harmony. The Miss Manners column, launched in 1978 and syndicated by United Features (now ), has maintained distribution in over 200 newspapers and digital outlets, with columns continuing to appear thrice weekly as of October 2025, evidencing its enduring appeal amid shifting cultural norms. Martin's lectures and public appearances, such as her 2009 address at the , have further extended this reach by arguing that serves as a voluntary system to curb and foster mutual , countering declines in interpersonal restraint.

Controversies and Criticisms

Martin's attempt to attend the 1968 wedding of Julie Nixon without an invitation, disguised as a guest, led to her being blacklisted from covering Tricia Nixon's wedding on June 12, 1971, marking a notable early controversy in her career. This incident, which Martin described as a journalistic stunt to expose social hypocrisies rather than partisan attack, drew accusations of unprofessionalism and anti-Nixon from administration supporters, though it aligned with her broader satirical style targeting pretension irrespective of politics. Subsequent scrutiny of her work has revealed minimal partisan entanglements, as her columns consistently emphasize universal behavioral standards over ideological alignments. Critics from feminist and progressive circles have occasionally faulted Martin's defense of traditional —such as men offering seats or holding doors for women—as reinforcing hierarchical structures and "benevolent " that subtly upholds male dominance. These objections, prominent in discourse amid pushes for egalitarian norms, argue that such rituals undermine women's by codifying based on sex rather than merit. Martin rebuts this by positing that ceremonial courtesies signal respect and reciprocity without denoting inferiority, and cross-cultural data supports the efficacy of traditional relational norms: societies prioritizing conformity to conventional marital roles exhibit lower rates, with values like and negatively predicting marital dissolution. Allegations of in Martin's prescriptions surface infrequently, often from those perceiving as an upper-class imposition, yet she consistently advocates rules as egalitarian tools accessible to all socioeconomic strata, fostering trust and through standardized conduct rather than selective identity-based exemptions prevalent in contemporary "" frameworks. Empirical patterns in high-trust societies further bolster this, where adherence to shared behavioral codes correlates with social stability and reduced conflict, contrasting with fragmented modern norms that prioritize subjective expression over collective restraint.

Personal Life and Legacy

Family and Collaborations

Judith Martin married Robert G. Martin, a and , in the early 1960s following her graduation from in 1959. The couple resides in , and has made regular extended visits to since 1981. They have two children: son Ivor Martin, a , and daughter , who assists with research for Martin's work. Martin's collaborations with her children reflect an intergenerational approach to etiquette advice, beginning with co-authored books such as Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding (2010) with Jacobina Martin and Miss Manners Minds Your Business (2013) with Nicholas Ivor Martin. In September 2013, Nicholas and Jacobina joined Martin as co-writers for the syndicated "Miss Manners" column, contributing to responses on contemporary issues while maintaining the column's emphasis on individual responsibility in social interactions. This partnership has sustained the column's adaptation to modern challenges, such as digital communication norms and workplace etiquette in remote settings, without altering its core principles of civil reciprocity.

Later Years and Ongoing Impact

In the 2020s, Judith Martin continued her syndicated Miss Manners column, addressing contemporary social breaches including those arising from the , such as debates over mask-wearing and courtesies. She advocated resolving such conflicts through principles of mutual consideration rather than confrontation, emphasizing that facilitates voluntary compliance over coercion. Updated editions of her core works, including a refreshed Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, incorporated guidance on digital interactions and post-pandemic norms, affirming etiquette's adaptability to maintain social order amid disruptions. Martin's enduring contributions counter the erosion of fixed standards by , with her insistence on universal rules of proving prescient as empirical surveys in the 2020s documented declining interpersonal trust and rising linked to unchecked self-expression. Her framework positions manners as a causal mechanism for social resilience, enabling diverse individuals to coexist without resorting to enforced uniformity or state intervention, as evidenced by her columns critiquing polarization-fueled in public discourse. Through lectures and writings, Martin has underscored etiquette's role in preserving liberty by structuring voluntary interactions that prioritize restraint over imposition, a perspective echoed in her defenses of as essential to non-coercive pluralism. This legacy manifests in renewed in her principles during eras of media-amplified division, where adherence to correlates with reduced conflict escalation, as her ongoing commentary illustrates.

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  66. https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/miss-manners-no-good-way-to-mask-shame/2020/08/06/cd438ce8-cfa4-11ea-8c55-61e7fa5e82ab_story.html
  67. https://www.wbur.org/hereandnow/2020/05/27/miss-manners-contagious-etiquette
  68. https://www.missmanners.com/in-print/miss-manners-books/
  69. https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/11/13/miss-manners-civility-hot-topic-progress/
  70. https://www.oregonlive.com/advice/2023/11/miss-manners-does-todays-lack-of-civility-stem-from-folks-deciding-on-their-own-what-is-proper-behavior.html
  71. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9vXdBPXQDo
  72. https://www.uexpress.com/life/miss-manners
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